After reading about the death of singer, Scott Hutchinson’s passing, I made a decision. I’m coming out.
I have been struggling with depression since I was a teenager and it’s an insidious disease. Years ago, before I went to therapy and was on any medication for my depression, I drank too much and on occasion would do drugs. (I told you, I’m coming OUT!) Anything to keep me numb. To be numb is not to think. Feeling numb is a break from the voices in my head that were always telling me I’m not any good. I’m ugly; unworthy and a thousand other negative things.
When the emotional pain is bad, I long for that dissociation. For numbness. That blissful time when I don’t feel anything. But that is where the real darkness of depression lurks. That desire to “let go” can lead to unhealthy and often impromptu decisions that may lead to suicide. Jim Morrison once said “No one here gets out alive,” and that’s true, so why rush it? Life sucks on occasion, but it’s also amazing. Those of us who struggle with depression, often forget to notice the beauty in the world. For me, taking a walk with my dog has been a keen reminder that life can be beautiful A happy dog and a sunny day? Hell yeah.
For us, the clinically depressed, the feeling of being the only one that feels this pain, the feeling of being alone and that people would be happier without you in their life. That softly whispered voice in your head? That is the darkness. But those voices lie. Because as we have seen from Scott’s apparent suicide, nothing is further from the truth. He was beloved, and so are you.
Why am I telling you all this? To feel sorry for me. Hell no. I work hard to deal with my depression. I go to therapy every week and face my darkness head-on. I’m also on antidepressants to stabilize my mood. Yep. On medication. And I’m thankful every day that my sister convinced me to ask for medication for my moods.
If you struggle with this disease, there are many of us out there that understand what you’re going through and will listen! I repeat: You are not alone. Okay, so there isn’t a simple button to push to make your depression go away. You do have to work for your good days. But it’s worth it! Get therapy, work with a doctor to get on the right anti-depressant. One day you will notice the soothing warmth of the sun or a flower bursting with color, or the giggle of a child and you will smile. That is the beginning of the path to healing. Step out of yourself and into the world.
Don’t allow those voices in your head to lead you on a path to destruction. You are worth it. You are loved, and we don’t want you to slip off your mortal coil – we want you to be here with us. We need to come out and let people know we are here and we can be a support to one another. Let’s start now. Let’s do it for Scott Hutchinson and all the others who didn’t feel like they could survive in their own skin.
Let’s all take one simple step. Let’s believe we are worthy. Get the help we deserve and reach out to those who love us. Trust me; They have been waiting to be there for you and me.
Romance Writer and depressed person.
Reach out @katiebwrites or Katiebaldwin2015@gmail.com